On Doors Opening and Closing (you know, the sappy stuff)

I suppose it finally hit me that school is now over, that I’ve graduated. It hit me with a flood of tears, when I was at home (parent’s home), in my room, on my bed, with my childhood stuffed animal. It also probably didn’t help that my “person” had just left, not to be seen for 3 months.

And now that the school door is closed, at least temporarily, I’m moving into the world of “real adulthood”. My definition of real adulthood is not at all related to the way one acts, but more to the responsibility one must shoulder: bills, work, rent. I suppose “financial independence” translates into “real adult” for me. 

School may be over, but the next several months are still a liminal stage for me. I am not quite adult, because I am not quite financially independent. I am not quite child because I pay for and manage a fair amount of my expenses. But like a ritual, where you start off with one identity and exit with a new identity, such will be the summer months. I am still like a student in the sense that I am doing something over the summer months–prep cook at farm camp–and when this summer gig is over, instead of returning to the bustle of another semester at school, I will return to the bustle of finding a job and a place to live. 

Speaking of places to live, I am also in-between places. Not quite a resident of SoCal and not quite a resident of NorCal. My stuff is all over the place. My heart is all over the place. Yet making the decision to stay in the bay provides a foundation to spring forth from, instead of lollygagging in my parents home unsure of what to do. 

I am very good at finding the “means” to reach and “end”, but what is hard for me is settling on the end; that is, what am I to do? However, “I want to stay in the Bay Area” is a definite end for the time being and I must figure out the means that will allow me to do so. Namely, a job. My “end” may, and probably will, change over the next few years as I piece together a career goal, or as opportunities spring up before me. Since now I have a fancy bachelors degree which legitimizes my capacity to get things done, that means I can do anything, right?


Goodbyes and Banana Bread


6 days ago we drove a few friends to the airport, who were, “never coming back”. That is, college had ended, and although they may return to the bay for visiting, it was the realization that they were no longer living here which made them a bit sad. I don’t think it has really sunk in for me quite yet, but those words about never coming back, and it being the last time, made me pause momentarily [schoolisoverwhattheheckdoidonow?] And we said bye and hugged and they walked into the airport.

I’ve made a fair bit of friends and acquaintances these past two years. Some I will most likely keep in touch with and see again, while others are temporary friends, who filled up a meaningful spot in my life, and taught me things, but I will probably not see them again. This is sad, yet OK, because I suppose I have now learned–like I said before–that there are temporary friends and forever friends. Forever friends you may not see for years and then when you do see them, its like no time has gone bye. Temporary friends are situational friends, serving some purpose while they are your friends and then…they just kind of disappear and all you see of them are ditties on facebook. I am extraordinarily bad at keeping in touch with people via phone, which is definitely something that I should improve upon.

Its random moments when I am meandering through campus to walk to the bank, or walking down the street to get to the farmers market, or biking by the marina, that a few tears spring to my eyes behind my darkly tinted sunglasses. I am not necessarily tearing up for any specific reason, its more that, I am overwhelmed with feelings that are both happy and sad. Therefore, tears. I am excited for my summer adventure as a prep cook, although a bit nervous. I am excited to come back to berkeley and job hunt, although a bit nervous.

Said friends that we took to the airport, love banana bread. And so, a perfect snack to send them off with seemed to be banana bread. The recipe is from a book I have called “the cook’s encyclopedia of baking” by Carole Clements. It is actually the first baking book that I got (I think on sale at Borders…whoa) and it has a few recipes that I do like. It is your basic cookie, cake, quick bread, yeast bread, pie, etc baking book. And so, the recipe is your basic banana bread recipe  that uses half whole wheat and half white flour, 1/2 cup walnuts in it, and I sprinkled more on top.

It is not a vegan recipe. I used good butter and good eggs. And holy moly was I surprised with the rise I achieved in this quick bread. I suppose I am quite used to vegan breads that are slightly more dense and compact, but the eggs, butter, baking powder…must have done something right.

Unfortunately, said book is packed and tucked away in a box somewhere, since I am leaving my trusty room of 2 years tomorrow morning. So, enjoy the photographs. And if you want to make banana bread, there is always google to help.

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