I guess I should include a link to my old blog incase anyone has the desire to go read about random ditties from my first year and a half in Berkeley. this is it: www.berkeleyrandomness.blogspot.com
Today is the first day of 2013, and if it is indicative of how the rest of my year will be, then 2013 does not seem like it will be a good year.
Something odd, (well, not to odd given the fact that the grass is greener on the other side) is that when I was in school, I couldn’t wait for break. Now that its break, well, I want to be back at school. But I think that stems from the fact that I need things to do, I need “ends” to orient myself towards because otherwise I feel very useless.
Means and ends and rationality. My favorite concept from sociology 101 and 102. Rationality: the most appropriate means to achieve a given ends. Calculability. It can tell you how to go about doing something, but there is no way to figure out what is to be done. This is applicable to my everyday life. I am very good at doing things and being efficient and productive. But my problem is figuring out what exactly I want to do. I will often sit, paralyzed from the multitude of options available to me, and not do anything except for spend hours poking around online at useless trivia. But give me something to do (hopefully it will be something that I enjoy) and I will do it. And hopefully I will do it well.
I suppose this is me coming to the realization that I am externally motivated. I am motivated not by what my instinct tells me or how I feel, but by external cues and wanting to appear legitimate to other people. Like I have accomplished something, and done things. How do I shift back to internal motivation? This is where, once again, the whole rationality thing comes into play. Technological rationality: we can choose what to do, but the ends we choose between are not freely given. That is, we choose from amongst already established ends. So a rational society does not mean a free society. And so, in my life, the things I am choosing to do are not decided by myself, but they are predetermined and I am just choosing something from a menu of options because I don’t even have the capability to decide for myself what I want to do. True story: despite being seen as an extremely productive person, I am the exact opposite of that because I would just sit there. I am seen as productive because my productivity is motivated by things outside of me and not myself. So maybe the proper terminology would be: I am externally productive.