On Doors Opening and Closing (you know, the sappy stuff)

I suppose it finally hit me that school is now over, that I’ve graduated. It hit me with a flood of tears, when I was at home (parent’s home), in my room, on my bed, with my childhood stuffed animal. It also probably didn’t help that my “person” had just left, not to be seen for 3 months.

And now that the school door is closed, at least temporarily, I’m moving into the world of “real adulthood”. My definition of real adulthood is not at all related to the way one acts, but more to the responsibility one must shoulder: bills, work, rent. I suppose “financial independence” translates into “real adult” for me. 

School may be over, but the next several months are still a liminal stage for me. I am not quite adult, because I am not quite financially independent. I am not quite child because I pay for and manage a fair amount of my expenses. But like a ritual, where you start off with one identity and exit with a new identity, such will be the summer months. I am still like a student in the sense that I am doing something over the summer months–prep cook at farm camp–and when this summer gig is over, instead of returning to the bustle of another semester at school, I will return to the bustle of finding a job and a place to live. 

Speaking of places to live, I am also in-between places. Not quite a resident of SoCal and not quite a resident of NorCal. My stuff is all over the place. My heart is all over the place. Yet making the decision to stay in the bay provides a foundation to spring forth from, instead of lollygagging in my parents home unsure of what to do. 

I am very good at finding the “means” to reach and “end”, but what is hard for me is settling on the end; that is, what am I to do? However, “I want to stay in the Bay Area” is a definite end for the time being and I must figure out the means that will allow me to do so. Namely, a job. My “end” may, and probably will, change over the next few years as I piece together a career goal, or as opportunities spring up before me. Since now I have a fancy bachelors degree which legitimizes my capacity to get things done, that means I can do anything, right?


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