WHEN will my laziness stop?!?!? I still feel absolutely exhausted even though I have been on vacation for approximately 2.5 weeks. All I want to do is sleep, eat, and of course see people in LA. cooking? baking? reading? nope, nope, and nope. this is a bit concerning to me, its quite opposite how I usually am. I have watched some movies (2 documentaries, went to the theater) so I can cross that off my list I suppose. I am hoping that once I start work back in berkeley my productivity will increase too. Having something to do every day will also make me be more productive in leisurely activities. As someone said to me a few days ago, I am not being lazy, I am simply recharging. But how long does a recharge last?!
I’ve been thinking a lot about the orchid thief, 2 quotes in particular because I can really relate to them. ahem,
“The world is so huge that people are always getting lost in it. There are too many ideas and things and people, too many directions to go. I was starting to believe that the reason it matters to care passionately about something is that it whittles the world down to a more manageable size. It makes the world seem not huge and empty but full of possibility.”
“I suppose I do have one embarrassing passion- I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately.”
I do think that having one particular goal or passion makes the crazy amount of possibilities seem less overwhelming. Simply the question of “what do to” becomes answer-able because, well, you have something that you care about that gives you a direction. Even if its a hobby and you have a day off and nothing to do, this hobby which you care about provides something for one to occupy their time with. Can searching for passion be a passion though? If it is, then even if one were to find an activity they like, they may not regard it as passion because it does not give the same fulfillment as searching. And activities that one enjoys, are not in my idea passions. A passion, to me, seems to have almost a drug like addictive quality. You always want to do it, and more of it, and not stop. And by thinking about it constantly, the overwhelming-ness of the world matters less. Does everyone have a passion? And if so, will everyone in their lifetime necessarily find their passion? Because obviously one does not know from birth what they like to do until they try activities. Or is passion related more to personality and obsessiveness about a single topic. Because there are things which I like and obsess over (ie finding passion) but it does not give me a sense of fulfillment as I imagine a passion would. Passion (to borrow an idea from Weber and the Spirit of Capitalism) is an end in and of itself, not a means to an end. So you would do it (an activity) simply because…just because.
I know that a lot of times I do things to distract myself from this overwhelming feeling of “hugeness and emptiness” that there is. Because that is a very uncomfortable thing…empty. And activities, passionate or not, provide a temporary thing to focus on.
I’ve found myself watching a lot of ballet clips on you-tube and such. I keep trying to remember what I felt like dancing and if that was really a passion or just an activity which I relentlessly pursued. Listening to interviews with dancers and what performing feels like to them…I enjoyed being on stage but I don’t recall having this “need” to do it. So I was quite possibly obsessing over something, but not passionate about it. Which is why I ended up quitting. Unless passion can also be temporary, but I think if that were the case one would still feel content with what they are doing. I think the reason I am at the moment feeling nostalgic for ballet is that I like the idea of it. The idea of having something that you do for hours a day that is physically and mentally engaging and challenging and gives a sense of direction.
Like now, I just came home and I’ve got a few hours to “kill” until the next event of the day. What does one do with this time? What do I want to do? I have no idea. There are so many options and things and it is a bit overwhelming to think about so I would much rather just stare aimlessly and not do anything. Or distract myself with some activities. A passion however seems that it would fill this time rather easily. Oh, I’ve got a few hours let me work on XYZ. Its also possible that I am romanticizing this notion of passion and what it brings but its just been on my mind a lot.
So now that you have read my rant, can looking for passion, be a passion?