bye bye february…well, almost

it is almost the end of february, obviously. one more day, the 29th…in which I have coordinated a potluck at my work for all the mentors and tutors. I mean, how could I NOT schedule a party on leap-day?

I met my mentee for the first time on friday! it was uber-exciting and it seems that our personalities will fit together quite nicely. She is pretty quite and shy, like I used to be and maybe still am sometimes, so I can completely relate. Shy and quite does not mean that one does not listen and pick up on every tiny detail…I am seeing her again tomorrow and friday. I am really excited to start and develop this relationship over the next year and a half. Its really exciting to know that I am impacting someones life, hopefully in a positive way…eep!
On Saturday, there was a mandatory training session where we learned about mandated reporting, goal setting, and leadership. sounds dandy, slightly boring, but something which has do be done.
Oh dear…it was…there are no words.
Lets just say, that I am skeptical of the “american dream” and that if you set goals for yourself its just a matter of picturing yourself in that position and you can have whatever it is you wish to have. If you BE, than you can DO, so you will HAVE. Focus on being whatever it is you wish to be so that the actions you do are thus inline with that and you can have it! But at the same time, a real leader is authentic…so be yourself! And, I do not need inspirational music, or hollywood films showing achieving athletes, to motivate me. the only thing that presentation motivated me to do, was chuck the handouts in the bin at my earliest convenience.
This presentation was done by the two most superficial, corporate looking people I have ever met in my life. Have you not heard of structural inequalities? or social barriers? obviously not, because you guys like to bank on that by telling people they can do it too, if they only try hard enough. blech.
The mandated reporting part was however pertinent and interesting and informative, despite being dense and slightly depressing material.

I have my first official job offer for the summer! its a pretty good deal too, which is very exciting and alleviates some anxiety I was feeling. Of course, my anxiety likes to surface in other areas once its stemmed elsewhere. in this case, I have 2 midterms on tuesday (in a week from today) joy. and I feel kind of sick and absolutely exhausted and that makes studying all the more…less appealing.

I have realized that something is interesting to me and I like doing it and learning about it until it becomes mandatory or I associate it with professions or the big picture or doing more. That is to say, I like to doing things until I need to do them due to internal pressure that I put on myself to make it “count for more”. Ballet, for example, used to be something I enjoyed until I decided I had to do it professionally and then I started hating it. Enrolling in a class this semester has been pleasurable for the most part and by deciding that maybe I want to do more with it, I…don’t want to do it anymore. Even academic subject matters: my culture class is really fascinating and I find myself enjoying the articles…until I realize I am going to be tested on them and have to make them count for something so I don’t like the process of reading or studying anymore.

All this is because I focus on results. I like tangible, concrete results that I can say “i did this” or “i did that”. Of course, that means I discount or gloss over the process of getting to whatever result I achieved, and once I am in that sustained result I no longer enjoy what I am doing. Getting into Berkeley is a prime example, its a result, I am in, I go here. But I find it hard to enjoy the academic learning process because I am focusing on what I will do later and what will be the result of my educational pursuits.

I need to find a way of taking out the pressure I put on myself to produce results in order to be more present in the process of everything. It would probably get me out of my head, which is where I have been spending to much time lately…

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