nut-case

this is me on monday morning:
and this is me this morning:
I am, a nutcase, the helmet says it all. why a nutcase? needless to say, my brain has not shut up for the past several days, a week at least. constant chatter and worry makes it very hard to concentrate on reading, post its of ideas and to-do lists litter my desk which subsequently make me feel claustrophobic so they end up in the trash. Applications for summer: will i get a job? if i dont, ohmygoodnesswhatwillido?!?!?! forget the summer, thats the least of my worries, what about after i graduate? i mean, its so soon! a year and a half I better start searching for jobs now. 2 hours later and my homework is not done, and my head is spinning from browsing entry level jobs that i might qualify for. But none of these jobs seem thrilling, who wants to sit by a computer all day? not I. Ok, brain, humor me for a moment and shhhhh. . . So then I start thinking about next year, what to take, what to do. blah blah blah.

I went to a career fair yesterday. It all seems so superficial, the handshaking, the introductions, the questions. But it was good to see whats out there for next year, not that it really helped my settle on what it is I might want to pursue. Teaching english abroad might be kinda cool for a year, and would include traveling to awesome places, and give me time to just…be. I picked up an application for a another summer camp that prepares high school kids from urban areas for college and will be submitting it today, so thats a positive. Most of the other employers were looking for full time, year round, already graduated, but it somewhat calmed me donw knowing that they hire fresh-out-of-school kids.

My alternative breaks class started last night, and it seems like a good time will be had. most of the material is stuff I am familiar with related to food and sustainability, but what I like about this class is: small size, more conversation, ability to interact and bounce ideas off of fellow classmates instead of being lectured at for an hour. oh, and the trip of course! Being a trip leader would be cool next year…hmmm….

I still am figuring out for myself the ethics of eating and what is correct or appropriate for myself given the time and place I am in. If there is one thing I have learned, is that there is not one universal way of eating that will save the world; it is so dependent on location. and veganism is not a panacea…hello palm oil which is probably worse than butter from local and human and pasture raised dairies. I know I will not eat meat for environmental reasons and the treatment animals and well as the factory workers face. however, farm workers face equally as terrible treatment. I think this constitutes a blog post of its own, so look forward for it sometime soon when I have more time to synthesize my thoughts.

I have also a few new places I want to try this semester.
-cinnaholic–the graduate–nabolom–pyramid brewery–mariposa bakery–herbivore–farmers market–saturn–mallard–actual cafe–BAM/PFA–Babette, just to name a few. I am sure there are more, but I cannot think of them at the moment. its really difficult to find people willing to venture out into berkeley and oakland, which kinda sucks. I don’t know if its schedules or what, but if anyone would like to venture somewhere new off my list…I did bike to the marina last week which was quite lovely, and might possibly go down again this weekend to study at some obscure cafe upon the water.

ballet class yesterday nearly brought me to tears. for the first time in a long time, after a grande allegro (in which i could actually jump!) it felt…right. For many reasons, I have not been able to jump and feel the power and energy behind a glorious leap. this feeling of content-ness, that everything for just one moment was actually ok (my brain shut off for about 4 seconds) made me so happy that tiny little tears welled up in my tear ducts which i had to rapidly blink away. In the studio, even if I am still absurdly out of shape with awful technique, feels like home. this reminds me of the ever so cheesy moment in center stage where the teacher points to the bar and says “its all here”. um, yeah, kinda true that it feels like a home base. after class, the teacher even told me “excellent dancing today” ohmygoodness! gahhh! and things are a little easier now than 3 weeks ago. another thing to add to my list, is try a few more classes around berkeley, but to those i will be venturing alone.

Well, its almost class time, so i bid you farewell, fine friends. (PS I know you guys forgive and do not judge me on my grammatical or spelling errors. right?)

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