on never doing enough

Every time around the start of the semester, registration for next semester, during midterms, and the end of the semester (so basically, quite frequently) I feel like I am lazy and never doing enough to prepare myself for life in the grown up world and for getting a job after college. It seems that all the activities I am involved in are trivial, not substantial, do not count, and will not help me achieve my future goals. I realized, that herein lies the problem: I have absolutely no idea what my future goals are. It seems to change so frequently that by the time I settle on one thing, I get bored of it. Or, it could be related to fear. I am possibly afraid of investing mass amounts of time and energy in a singular path only to realize it is not what I wanted [exactly what my experience with ballet was] I still have not found that…thing…which makes me feel content and satisfied and that could possibly fulfill me for the next 20, 30, 40, 50 years of my life.

Oddly enough, I have enrolled in a ballet class this semester, and although it has been 2 years since I set foot in the studio and doing the splits actually hurts now, I feel ‘at home’ putting on my tights, pinning up my hair, and walking to the studio. It feels safe and familiar; in that there is a certain calmness which I have not felt in any of my academic classes at Berkeley. Because academia…ihavenoidea.

Since quitting ballet, my future aspirations have traveled a path which goes something like this:
Nutrition/dietetics, conservation/environmental science, sociology. Good thing sociology is a general major that I can explore different fields because my interests keep traveling all over the place. I like examining individuals and why they do what they do. Do I want to go into research? Grad School? Counseling? Teaching? Non-profit work? Youth? Food? Culture? Eating Disorders? The Arts? And then there is another part of me that wants to get my degree and then just go into gourmet foodservice and make fancy lattes for people at some upscale coffee shop. I hate this feeling of being unsure, because no matter what I am doing it does not feel like its “enough” because its not aimed towards some specific end goal which is something I like to have. I think my feelings of laziness stem from the fact that I am so unsure of my future goals. And then I become so focused on figuring out my future that I miss out on…now.

I thought I was OK with the insecurity, but being in an environment where everyone is so brilliant and smart and hardworking and doing so many grandiose things makes me slightly worried that my aspirations have fallen to the sidelines or gotten lost in the shuffle of figuring out what exactly I am working towards. Ultimately, I want to be content. And what if, after graduating, I become content and happy with menial work and trivial hobbies such as this blog which no one reads. That is a scary thought because I don’t think I would let myself settle with that and I would just keep striving towards the next epic accomplishment.

And now, to end, here is a story from my week. Over winter break, I booked tickets to fly home on February 16th.
About two weeks ago, I scheduled a group interview for a summer job for the evening of February 16th.
Two nights ago, I told my mother what I was planning for the group interview when she remarked “aren’t you coming home that night?” Leave it to mom to remember when I am coming home.
Realizing my HUGE mistake i begin freaking out [I smartly thought I would remember my trip home, and subsequently did not write it down, hence the double booking]. After said freak out, I decide to risk paying some ridiculous fee for changing my flight instead of rescheduling my interview. After all, they are looking for a responsible and organized candidate who can look after kids at camp, not someone who forgets appointments and schedules 2 things at once.
Southwest’s website starts acting oddly and refuses to process any of my ticket changing requests, so I end up calling (huffing and grumbling) as I am placed on hold. A few moments later, the Southwest phone-person tells me she has to get her supervisor and apologizes for the hold yet again.
Many minutes pass…and then a voice, apologizing again, asking me to hold again….more crappy hold music…more time passes (I could be reading Marx!) and finally a human voice again. She apologizes for the exorbitantly long hold, informs me they were having issues, and then tells me its an even exchange and there is no cost involved in switching my flight. WHAT? was I hearing correctly?! I was shocked by this complimentary exchange. My guess: because Southwest was having technical issues, and I was so nice to the person on the phone, and politely waited on hold, they did it for free. So it was a win-win situation: I have the interview, and I fly home the following morning.

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